How I Became a Living Dead
I left Japan when I was 19 years old and then spend 20 years as an adult in the United States. For me, immersing myself deeply in American culture felt so soothing. Being in Japan was so foreign to me. Freely expressing myself was frowned upon in Japan. That emotional block was gone when I moved to California. I bet it was due to serve most of my professional life in the children's educational field, from the infancy all the way to adulthood. I think I was able to keep the spirit of children even far into my adulthood.
Although I came back to Japan, I continued with my research project for The Evergreen State College until June 2013 so I was still living in the mind of American, using English in my everyday life. Then right after my graduation, I thought I will be free from writing research papers and creating reports to finally enjoy my life in Japan!
....Then I became pregnant.
Is it magic? Pregnancy after 40? When I thought I was too old to conceive a child, boom. I was 41 years old and my husband was 56. We were way too old to become parents, but a miracle happened.
My daughter found the light inside my heart and came down. To fulfill our mission, heaven's decree that we promised prior to our birth.
Pregnancy and birth for my daughter were so smooth and perfect! Natural birth at the midwife clinic near my house. It was so smooth compared with my son's birth, it was out of this world.
My son Kyle who is 25 years old in 2019, was born at the Balboa Naval Hospital in San Diego, California in 1994. His birth was so complicated! What I knew about pregnancy and birth was not taught by anyone back then. I shouldn't have used epidural which numb my body from the waist down, labor lasted for a very long time, the worst of all was having his umbilical cord snapped off while he was still inside of a womb. A drastic and quick response was necessary to save his life. Many medical trainees rushed into a room and the doctor used a vacuum and forceps. Kyle was not pale, he was blue and did not even make the slightest sound after birth, I briefly touched his hand and he grabbed my finger in response, and immediately taken away to the NICU for 8 hours straight.
It took me about two weeks to naturally breastfeeding my son. From this awful birth experience, I wanted to go through natural birth, if I could have another child in the future. The Arrival of the Cosmic Baby When I found out that I was pregnant, I felt the sensation on the day of conception and had an amazing vision came to my consciousness. The image below is pretty similar to what I saw.
What I had in my vision was the image of having the Tree of Life in the center, with many different shapes of sacred geometry surrounding the Tree of Life is 3D.
They were all spinning in motion, at different speeds. It was a beautiful shade of Blue, Purple, and Pink which continuously glowing so brightly. I detected a soundless sound. A beautiful harmony in the distance. If we all could hear the voice of an angel, I bet it would sound exactly the same. Although this isn't exact image of what I saw, I believe it still gives you the feeling and some ideas of colors through this short video.
Although my experience with my daughter's prior to conception, conception, pregnancy, and birth all went so well, I experienced a hardship raising my daughter right after I came home to take care of her. All I wanted was to be a good mother who will stay at home, cook healthy homemade meals with no additives or no chemical substances (just I was doing since before I was pregnant), and take care of her and being there for her one hundred percent. But for some reason, more I tried to be there for her, she furiously refused me. I was so puzzled by this behavior. Her attitude was not explained by any parenting book, I mean... I was helpless and vulnerable.
When my daughter was just a couple of months old, she cried so much. I detect her bodily sign as she was asking me to pick her up by raising her arms. When I reach down and hold her in my arms, she would use the full force to rebel against me and push her arms as far as she could hold it. Not only that, she only slept about 8 hours TOTAL with her naptime during the daytime, and mostly cried with the top of her lungs when she was up for a very long, long time. It continues days after days after days...
When I lost a sense of myself somewhere in this process, I became the living dead.
A Parenting Zombie.
I must've had perfect ingredients for becoming a parenting zombie.
How to Make a "Parenting Zombie"
One - Cranky baby
Two Years - Sleepless nights and days
Continuous Breastfeeding - For more than Two Years
Malfunctioning Digestive System ( I had difficulty digesting protein, fat, or sugar.)
No Physical, Mental, Spiritual Supporters Near-by Your House
Staying Home Mom - Having No Physical Contact with Neighbors, Friends, or Family
You mix all these up and... Ta-da! Here you have one perfectly wretched "Zombie Mommy". Now I can talk about it like some kind of joke, but I was absolutely miserable.
All I wanted to do was to be a good mommy for my daughter!
My average hours of sleep were two to four hours.
I was one month short of 42 at the time of my daughter's birth.
Breastfeeding her for 2 years and 6 months did not satisfy me in the way I had imagined. I was living away from my hometown, not knowing anybody after moving back to Japan from the Washington States. I literary was an American having a birth experience in Japan like any other foreigner which was very different from what I've known by raising my son in the United States. I was so desperate...
To get out of...living dead.
I seriously didn't know how to cope with my daughter and literally lost myself in a process. Since she wasn't going to stop crying, the first time in my life, I felt and agreed with abusive mothers. I felt that it is possible... for a mother to turn against her baby. A monster arose inside of me. I was furious, I could not contain my emotion, and in the end, I felt no-love left to give for my daughter... I know it sounds horrible. But I had nobody to share my experience with back then. It hurt so bad that I could harm my baby or myself. Oh, how many days and nights I thought about going out and never come back home...
Then one day, Hanako made me realize the REAL reason and the GIFT from my daughter. It was mind-boggling at first when I realized why she has been so cranky! For my daughter to act as crazy as she was turned out to be the greatest GIFT the mother can have from her child. PREVIOUS: Why am I Curious About Prenatal Memory? NEXT: The Greatest GIFT from My Child